Physically Married: Mentally and Spiritually Divorced.

A while back, we Hoosiers like to talk like that, I wrote a book entitled “Physically Married: Mentally and Spiritually Divorced.” I think it is on Amazon.com, but I don’t know if anyone has ever ordered it but me.

In this book, I tried to point out the phenomenon of many marriages that coexist as brother and sister, for many reasons, most of which have to do with not wanting to go through the anxiety and discomfort of public divorce, or for the children’s sake. So, life just coasts by, not contentious but lacking any combinations that foster genuine relationships that mature in love, in faith, and in shared purpose in life. You have heard the saying, “We just went our own way.”

The usual outcome is a separation or even a divorce from each other, with all the messy ramifications of finances, and legal custody being either contentious or at least the top most candidate for high stress.

Read the back cover of the book to get a flavor of what is inside.

Legally Married, Mentally and Spiritually Divorced: How to Refresh Tired Relationships (A Lay Cistercian Lectio Divina Series)

by Dr. Michael F. Conrad (Author)  Format: Paperback

Part of: A Lay Cistercian Lectio Divina Series (67 books)

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“Married or not, relationships are like tires: they get old, need air, and sometimes blow out. When you form a relationship, there is no 80-year guarantee on your tread. You must check your tires for wear and inflate them to the proper pressure, or they won’t last. If you have a blowout, you might need to replace your tires altogether. Do you see any parallels between the wear and tear on your automobile tires and your human relationships? This is a book about relationships, the key place where you will find meaning in your life. If your relationship is worn, you may need to put air in your tires. It is so important because God is relationship. Not all relationships are spiritual, but you won’t discover spirituality until you know the meaning of the words–faith and love. Like old treads, love can wear out if not refreshed. Relationships also need to be refreshed. Don’t you agree? The focus of this book is primarily for those who consider themselves in a legal, binding marriage, but are not happy. You might consider yourself trapped by your vows, the fact that you have children to raise, and your Church forbids divorce. These thoughts are my own reflections on what is meaningful in life, so keep that in mind. I encourage you to treat these ideas critically. Another title of this book might be: How to give yourselves a spiritual tune-up. I have written this book in my mind many hundreds of times. My view of relationship is that it takes constant work and maintenance to keep it energized. A spiritual relationship is not possible without God as the mechanic of our automobile. God is the gas, or the energy, that moves us toward our destiny … forever. All you have to do is turn on the ignition. Know how?”

https://read.amazon.com/sample/1537574299?clientId=share

For those who choose to remain in their marriage relationship, for whatever reason, what are your choices? Misery? Growing Hatred of one another? Conversations dripping more with sarcasm than genuine longing to be in the presence of the other and to help them attain what is at their Center. Is there no hope?

The answer, oddly enough, is: Yes and No.

If you are waiting for God to wave a magic wand and fix your woes, then the answer is NO. If you seek a way to refresh the enthusiasm of those old wedding Pictures, then the answer is YES.

Look at the cover photo, which I took to illustrate how, if two people do not face each other, they are physically married, but mentally and spiritually divorced. Christ can help fix the problem, but you must abandon ego and pride and turn toward each other with Christ as the mediator. Each of you is an individual. “I am not you; you are not me; God is not us; and we, most certainly, are not God.” So, “Come to me all you who are heavily burdened, and I will refresh you.” But how to do it without psychiatrists, clinical psychologists, and other professionals who often try to treat the mind but not the spirit?

There are no guarantees in life, like there is no diet that, on its own merits, can promise you success. There are two of you, plus you are living in that cocktail of original sin aftereffects, ego, pride, the need to be right rather than the right to be needed.

This is a self-help book that you both can use to place yourselves in the presence of Christ in that upper room of your inner self and wait on the Lord together, with no agenda and no past remembrances of verbal fisticuffs.

You may find it helpful to focus on a point outside of the other. You may find that you need a professional mediator to help you pull back the layers of the onion to get at some deeper issues, such as one having tendencies towards an anger mood disorder. Professionals can help with this. First, you must turn towards each other, in the presence of Christ.

Christ won’t fix anything for you, but He will help you to discern what you need to be centered on: one way, one truth, and one life together. No promises but the cross. No guarantees except both being filled with God’s own energy as each of you can contain it (capacitas dei).

Copyright 2026. Michael F. Conrad, Ed.D., The Center for Contemplative Practice. All Rights Reserved.

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