DIGGING FOR HEAVENLY GOLD ON EARTH: THE THREE LONGINGS OF THE HUMAN HEART

I have noticed that my penchant for digging, bordering on an obsession, has not waned with age, unlike many of my New Year’s Resolutions. Like those early settlers of the West who were seduced by gold fever, I packed up everything and began the long walk to the West.

My latest dig for the gold of the Mystery of Faith, which has been there all along, is the notion I have that within me, way down deep, a recurring quest as I live out life and search for meaning seems to be a three-distinct but unified set of as yet unattainable evolution of my humanity. They are:

1. THE YEARNING TO KNOW THE DEPTHS OF MY HUMANITY. I keep asking myself, is the physical evolution that is the only frame of reference I have known, all there is, or has evolution grown in complexity and consciousness to move beyond the evolution of matter into the realm of the undefinable, all that is related to what is invisible and yet so integrated into my humanity that I it is right under my nose? I long for closure to my knowledge, hoping to bring resonance to the dissonance I always feel when the only reality I acknowledge is what I can see. To do that, I must dig deeper into my humanity with the shovel that unearths invisible reality so I can examine it to determine the gold from the dross. I have come to believe (John 20) that there is a dimension to life, call it the spiritual universe for lack of a better word, to which I am destined by nature, but which may only be accessed by using my mental humanity (reason and free will) to choose something radically different from the world in which I live. The evolution of natural selection, which seems to be reasonable, is itself in the process of growth in complexity towards consciousness. This yearning of mine is life-lasting in scope and as much a part of my humanity as the desire to propagate. I can only access it by digging using specialized tools from a reality beyond the fragile capabilities of human nature. I have reason for a reason and also the ability to choose what is reasonable to me. This quandary is solved by my next longing, one that shows me not only what but how to access a realm right inside me that I had always taken for granted.
2. YEARNING TO LOVE AS MY HUMANITY BIDS ME DO. Knowing anything is like keeping money in a bank and hoarding it so that you are the only one who has it. This is called coveting. I possess the knowledge to uncover the next level in my humanity that will satisfy my hungry heart. I can use it to dig or just keep it locked in the bank of my mind, safe from the scheming predators that want to take it from me. It sounds rather paranoid to me until I realize that I must not take for granted my reason and free will, but use these human characteristics to dig to the next level of my nature– to learn how to love fiercely with all my mind, with all my heart, and with all my strength, and apply that to my neighbor as I would myself. (Deuteronomy 6:5 and Matthew 33:38) At this next level of my humanity, I experience the purpose of my human heart (not the anatomical one). Evolution happens in the invisible silence within myself, that upper room of my inner self in which I encounter that next dimension that leads me to the third and final longing of my heart– to know and love the truth so I can claim my inheritance as an adopted son (daughter) of the Father and begin to pack those things on earth that I can decorate the mansion my Father has waiting me in the next level of my evolution. Sharing these ideas with others, as they are willing to accept them, is my call. I am not even capable of convincing someone to believe something they don’t want to. No one, not even God, can do that to a human. What I can do personally is to know and love others with that same love Christ showed us when the Son of God became also the Son of Man. But knowledge and love by themselves may or may not lead me to knowing Good from Evil, and so help me overcome the obstacles thrown up for our nature by Original Sin (this is another blog entirely).
3. YEARNING TO KNOW AND LOVE WHAT IS TRUE BEYOND THE INCONSISTENCIES OF A FICKLE HUMAN NATURE. I can’t count the many times I have trusted a colleague or family member and later found out they made the wrong assumptions because they asked the wrong questions. The problem with free will is that everyone has it, and not only that, but they also covet it as the ultimate truth for all humanity, unless some significant emotional event derails their thoughts. I don’t like anyone telling me what to do outside of what I think reality is. Especially mom, dad, and siblings, but also any perceived authority figure or religion. Like taking a prescription drug, the side effects are usually symptoms of behavior challenges to a truth that is beyond all human reasoning.
4. I found the solution to these three, and many more unanswered questions that demanded digging, to come from the most unlikely of places, right inside me, in the upper room of my inner self —the place no one wants to look because it is so scary. They believe they have lost control due to this new dimension of their humanity. I found what I consider the answer to this invisible tug at the core of my being as one that makes no sense to my humanity at merely the physical and mental stages, as though I had these tools but did not know what to do with them. To satisfy all three of these elusive yet persistent yearnings in my heart, I had to delve deeper into the toolbox Christ left for me, asking the Holy Spirit how to apply them in addressing these three pesky irritations. I discovered that I had to go out of my entire human nature to find the assurance to grow deeper in my humanity and to resolve those yearnings of my hungry heart. St. Augustine quotes a helpful thought when he says, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee.”
5. It came to me that I did not, as a human being, nor did anyone, have the capacity and capability to know, to love, and to seek the truth that will set me free. My Catholic Faith had always been there for me, although I now know I was spiritually illiterate until the age of 75. I fulfilled the surface requirements, such as attending church on Sundays, fasting and abstaining from meat, reciting the Rosary, and kneeling in humility before the Blessed Sacrament during Eucharistic adoration. I considered myself a good Catholic but knew there was more.
6. The change came on a night during my Lectio Divina, I had now been accepted as a Lay Cistercian novice at Our Lady of the Holy Spirit Monastery (Trappist), Conyers, Georgia. (www.trappist.net) I had adopted the behavior of reflecting on my key Lectio phrase from Scripture, “Have in you the mind of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 2:5-12), and was consistently and consciously trying to focus on moving from my false self (the subject of my next blog) to that of the being like the Christ of Scriptures and the Epistles of Paul and others. Full of myself and my new Cistercian practice, I asked the Holy Spirit to tell me what he saw when looking at me. Remember, the Spirit of God is the embodiment of absolute truth, untainted by human influence. What I heard from the Holy Spirit in that upper room of inner self scared the Hell out of me, literally. I sat there in stunned silence with my mouth open in shock. The Holy Spirit whispered, “If you don’t want to know, don’t ask. But, if you do ask, then you must do what you hear to become perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.” I still get goosebumps when I think about it.
7. Just when I thought I was getting a somewhat logical grasp of the three longings of my human heart, I got shot down, or more correctly put in my place, to contemplate how this new approach of making new wineskins each day to hold the new wine of Christ that I had just dug up in my prayer covenant with Christ. I will relate to you what the Holy Spirit said to me, with the understanding that I don’t claim to speak FOR the Holy Spirit, only the Holy Father can do that. I merely try to lead a Lay Cisterician life of penance for my lack of awareness that the word of Christ was within me all the time, and I was either too lazy or blinded by my own needs to look deeper. Creating new wine skins to hold the new wine of Christ each day is now my passion, and, oddly enough, it allows me to begin to see what actually fulfills the knowledge, love, and truth in my deepest part of humanity. It is the quiet and stillness of my inner self, where I now sit next to Christ, and ask the Holy Spirit to overshadow me with the knowledge, Faith, and truth I need to speak. “Jesus is Lord.” Here are some differences and insights from the Holy Spirit when I got my answer back, and it scared the Hell out of me.
   • I realized that I had made Christ in my own image and likeness. I was god, and not a good one, at that.
   • I realized that I needed to become a penitential Lay Cistercian for the rest of my life and recite the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary. I loosely follow the apparition of Mary as Our Lady of Akita by praying that God be merciful for my pride and neglect and to make all things new through me (make new wineskins every day). I can take all those wineskins with me to Heaven, when ready, to decorate the mansion my Father has waiting for me.
   • All I do now is consistently try to place myself in the presence of Christ in that upper room of my inner self and wait, just wait. This is more of a mindset where I slow down my humanity until I can hear the heartbeat of Christ sitting beside me on the couch. I don’t mean to imply that I do this instead of my other Cistercian practices to grow in Christ (capacitas dei). Still, this focus reminds me that Christ alone is my center and not only gives me the grace of his presence as I can assimilate, but allows me to have a more profound reverence and love for Eucharist, Lectio Divina, Liturgy of the Hours, Rosary, Reading Sacred Scripture and spiritual reading of Cistercian monks and nuns over the centuries (from 1090 ad.). More and more each day, I experience Christ’s presence in all that I do. I ask for mercy frequently and pray for all the souls in purgatory.
   • “The Breastplate,” St. Patrick’s poem of Faith and trust in God: “Christ be within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort and restore me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ inquired, Christ in danger, Christ in hearts of all that love me, Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.” (source anon)
8. I have spent the better part of my life trying to identify and crack the Divine Equation, one that will allow me to comprehend the mysteries of Faith, the gold that I hold in my inner self. After using my reason and free will to examine various systematic processes of thinking that I hoped would lead to a breakthrough, I finally looked to the last place all humans fear to enter: the innermost recesses of my own mind. I reasoned that my reason tells me that I can’t possibly know everything about science and its myriad languages necessary to grasp a single theory of everything. Discontent with myself, and frustrated because I could not even wrap my arms around the question, much less begin digging for a solution, I retreated into silence and solitude, and remember thinking how St. Thomas Aquinas, O.P., said that the human mind was incapable of even constructing a paradigm to begin the process. As I sat there fumbling around with all these concepts in what seemed like a Merry-Go-Round of confusing and conflicting theories and ideologies, I just stopped thinking about any of it. I must have sat there for 30 minutes alone, in the silence and solitude of my inner self, muttering to the Holy Spirit something like, “I need help with understanding what it is and how it all fits together.” At the time, I was shocked to hear a voice that was so clear yet invisible to my senses.
   The Holy Spirit said, “It’s about time you asked the right question.” “So, what is the right question?” I remember thinking. “Not question but questions,” came back the thoughts, “and they are and always were within you in this inner sanctuary where Christ and I have always been here for you, but you paid us no heed, until you joined the Lay Cistercians. That was an unexpected but correct choice on your part. Well done!” Frustrated at my inability to be smart enough to fill myself with God’s energy, I said, “I don’t even know the questions to ask, much less any answers that my limited humanity could possibly comprehend.” “You still don’t get it, do you?” the Holy Spirit said. My job is to be your advocate, to help you help yourself by giving you the tools to dig for the truth that exists within you because you are an adopted son (daughter) of the Father. Give us some credit. Did you think we would leave you all as orphans? You have, within you, all you need to still the murmurings of your heart as you try to put the ocean into the cup given to you at baptism. You need to do nothing but, consciously and with free will, place yourself in the presence of Christ and wait. We will do the rest, trust me.”
   In my view of reality, the Divine Equation is the proposition that God gave humans through Christ to reach the next level in our human evolution, to become an adopted son or daughter of the Father and claim our inheritance in Heaven. Of course, not everyone shares this belief, which is why the problem lies here. How can God tell humans that the next phase of their evolution has to do with reason and their choice to join a universe just the opposite of the one where they now live? God had to become one of us, teaching us and showing us how to prepare for the destiny that awaited us from before time began. I have accumulated the consequences of the choices I have made along the way. The Divine Equation is what God gives to humans to help them unravel the mysteries of Faith just a tiny bit, so the process makes sense. The Christ Principle is a person, the Son of God, and also Jesus the Christ, through, with, and in whom all reality has existence as we know it. Humans would never have been able to solve the mystery of life’s purpose with just the physical and mental universe. The mathematics of being is an idea I have been romancing for some time. Seeing how some of the pieces of reality might fit together into one, causing resonance to an otherwise dissonant physical and mental universe, brings not only intense joy but the peace of Christ, which is love.
9. I reflected on the struggle I have had throughout my lifetime of trying to have the mind of Jesus (Philippians 2:5) and remembered thinking of how a snake sheds its skin, a natural process of growth, to become more and more of what a snake is. After many sessions of sitting in the presence of Christ and asking the Holy Spirit to give me what I need, six themes emerged that I called the thresholds or, like the snake shedding its skin, moltings. They came to be in successive order and happened over a period of fifty years or more. These are my six questions to begin solving The Divine Equation. I am not advocating that you follow me, but rather that you look inside yourself and discern those paradigm shifts that may or may not have been there to help you grow in complexity and consciousness, becoming more like Jesus and less like your false self, one permeated by the effects of original sin.
10. They are:
    • What is the purpose of life?
    • What is the purpose of my life within that purpose?
    • What does reality look like?
    • How does it all fit together?
    • What does it mean to love fiercely?
    • You know you are going to die; now what?
11. The problem for me was: Who supplies the answers? Or, are answers even possible? All along, I had been using the assumption that I needed to discover or prove who God is. Again, in my consciousness or subconsciousness, the answer came back as clear as day. “Why do you waste your time trying to find out who God is, when you are neither capable nor have the capacity to experience the answer. The real mystery of Faith is to know who you are in terms of what God tells you through your innermost sanctuary and the tradition of the Catholic Church. Look at the gold under your feet, and then you must constantly dig deeper (conversio morae) each day. Yes, each day growing in complexity and consciousness informed by God’s energy! That takes work and is uncomfortable and sometimes frustrating. Why do you think Jesus told you to take up your cross daily and follow his way, his truth, and then lead the life that leads to life eternal?” whispered the Holy Spirit. “The cross is a reminder tattooed on your spirit to help you realize that the world of the Spirit (both the kingdom of heaven on earth and continuing after you die) is the opposite of what the world says is the purpose and meaning of your humanity.”
12. Two other aspects of digging for spiritual gold you can take to heaven need to be explored, or at least identified. In the following two blogs, I want to share with you what I’ve discovered about why we often seem to fight against our humanity (original sin), or at least that’s how it appears. Next, what does it mean to move from your false self (merely a human that is not fully taking advantage of their evolution) to your true self (the sign of contradiction, and why not making sense in the spiritual world is the default perspective. It took a lifetime, but these two blogs seem to begin to answer the six questions I must answer to solve the Divine Equation. The Divine Equation, once again, does not prove who God is, but is given to me to work out who I am and how I can resolve those three longings of my human heart. It is my humanity that I must discover, as Christ is whispering to me, where and how to dig for the gold within me. Truly, the kingdom of God on earth is within the simple acts of humility and obedience to what Jesus is telling me. My challenge as a Catholic is to create new wineskins that will hold the precious gold Christ shares with me.

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