RETIREMENT: Learning how to make all things new again.

In one of my more memorable Lectio Divina sessions (Phil 2:5), my thoughts went to Jesus having to begin the human race’s relationship with the Father once more. His mission was to give glory to the Father by the Son through the Holy Spirit. In freely choosing to pay the price for our redemption, Christ made all things new again. This was to become one of two practices he wished for his disciples so that they could love one another as He loved them: the bread of life and making all things new again. In dealing with retirement, which often brings confusion and challenges in finding meaning once again, these two practices become key to achieving fulfillment. 

THOUGHTS OF A BROKEN-DOWN, OLD LAY CISTERCIAN 

1. Is retirement looking back on your life and second-guessing what you did for forty years, wondering, “if I made this or that  choice, I would be happy now?”
2. Is retirement looking back on your life rather than looking forward to the next chapter in your book of life?
3. Are you uncertain about your next steps in life and where you find meaning?
4. Do you wonder what will fill the loneliness of being without employment or losing your authority and control over others?
5. Do you fear that your life has been a waste of time up to this point, and don’t know what will make you happy now?
6. Has the joy of living gone from your everyday routine?
7. Have you lost a partner with whom you had worked and now face an uncertain future, alone and afraid?
8. Are you a widow or a widower and feel life is meaningless without your spouse?
9. Do you have a support system of people or comfortable surroundings?
10. Do you worry about making ends meet with the income you have now, and are looking for a job in your retirement?
11. Is your health condition keeping you from any kind of regular involvement with the Church?
12. Do you know how to access the upper room of your inner self, where no one goes but you, or anyone you invite in there?
13. Have you lost a spouse or child and feel alone? Is there anyone to take care of you in your old age?

These questions keep me up at night until I remember the words of Christ, “Do not worry about what to eat or what you are to wear. Seek first the kingdom of heaven and all else will be given to you.”

THE BIG STEPS

All of these issues face someone contemplating the next step. I thought about my own retirement, and how I retired three times, each time being a little less comfortable with work, each time having less competency to do the job.

Life seems to be a series of significant steps in my own life. Here is who I am (superficially).

• Graduation from College with a B.S. in Biology
• Graduation from the Master’s program M.R.E. at Loyola University (Chicago)
• Entering Ministry as an ordained priest
• Graduation from Indiana University with an Ed.D. in Adult Learning
• Entering the Military as a Chaplain
• Reserve Officers Chaplain of the Year (1979)
• Leaving the Military to pursue private practice as an educator/trainer
• Marriage and Fatherhood
• Wrote 68 books on Amazon and 1,100 blogs on my blogsite: https://thecenterforcontemplativepractice.org
• Working for the State of Florida as a trainer
• Retirement from work (3 times)
• Acceptance as Lay Cistercian at Our Lady of the Holy Spirit Monastery (Conyers, Georgia)
• A blogger and a writer, no one reads.

THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG DISTANCE LAY CISTERCIAN (This is who I am way down deep).

As I march down the highway of time, picking up gems of insights about what life is, various maladies and health issues seem to pop up without my consent. Even though I have some people around me, my life patterns and what constitutes enjoyment outside of being with my wife or talking with my daughter on the phone, is a new wrinkle in my former lifestyle. I am, right now, 85 years old, and getting riper every day,  which is beyond my control. 

• Your life is probably similar to mine, but not the same. When I read obituaries of people I know, I am struck by what they think constitutes success. My own life is a series of successes and failures, mostly failures. 
• At times, when contemplating the status, I find myself using a rollator and confined to my house for everything except physician visits, and bereft of anyone calling me or coming over to see me.
• I used to travel (five hours one way) to Conyers, Georgia, and attend the monthly gathering of Lay Cistercians. Still, now I am relegated to watching it on Zoom, for which I am incredibly appreciative. 
• I was in control of my life (or so I thought) and could go where I wanted and do what pleased me. Now, I am lucky to sit in a rocker-recliner and watch the plastic flowers grow, hoping with all my strength that I don’t see one of them bloom.
• Gone are those relished times of daily Eucharist at Good Shepherd Parish community in Tallahassee, Florida.
• Gone are those intimate group prayers of the Holy Rosary where I could lose myself in the presence of Christ as I prayed for myself, the Church, and the World.
• Gone are the social events at Church, although they were not many in the past, that added luster to a dance card that is now sadly without partners.
• Gone are the telephone conversations with friends (many of whom have died) about nothing in particular, but so appreciated.
• Gone are those breakfasts after daily Mass where a group of five to ten would go to the Village Inn and order pancakes (my favorite then, but now taboo from my austere diet)
• Gone are my trips back to see my family in Vincennes, Indiana (my parents having passed several years ago) and any travel anywhere, for that matter. 
• Gone is my second car, which we sold because we no longer needed two vehicles.
• All of a sudden, I require help with various functions I had previously taken for granted.
  • I must have someone to help me bathe (my wife).
  • I need someone to prepare my meals (I can do oatmeal and toast).
  • I must have my full-time caregiver take me to and back from physicians’ visits or medical procedures such as MRIs or Schlerotherapy, to name only a few.
  • I must endure the humiliation of my wife being my caregiver, even though I never thought it would happen as it did. I say humiliation not in the sense that what she provides is anyway at fault, but instead I feel so helpless that she must endure my health burdens. “In sickness, and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do us part.”
• My oncologist told me that I had cancer (CLL Type) and prescribed twelve treatments of chemotherapy to reduce a lump on my liver the size of a small football. I am in remission with no more follow-ups with the oncologist.
• I suffered cardiac arrest on April 2, 2025, while in the ER at Tallahassee Memorial Hospital with two stents inserted. I was in Cardiac Intensive Care for 10 days and hospital care for 6 days. After that, I was in PT and OT rehab from April 17 to May 28. My life has been in and out of the ER and the Hospital for low blood pressure, and various other maladies, such as UTI three times for urinary infection. 
• I had four teeth knocked out when they intubated me in the ER with cardiac arrest. I still don’t have them pulled due to problems with Eliquis (blood clot prevention) having to be discontinued to pull the teeth, and it has not been six months since my cardiac arrest.
• I had a pacemaker inserted in 2020, plus A-fib and A-flutter treatments. 
• I had a cardiac arrest in 2007 with two stents inserted.

Sounds a lot like Lot’s lot, don’t you think?

With all of the above, and probably more on the horizon, I am amazed to say that I have never been more at peace in the upper room of my inner self as I sit in the presence of Christ (at home and not at Church) and just wait. That does not make sense to my human understanding of what woe is. It makes perfect sense when I abandon myself to all that the World says is suffering and misfortune, only to rise with Christ to newness of life each day. Yes. Each day!

So, what is left when all that the World says is important and meaningful has been taken away from me, with the possibility of more pain and suffering to come? (This is who I hope to become.)

• Christ! “Have in you the mind of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 2:5-12)
• Being accepted as a Lay Cistercian (2018) and trying to follow Cistercian (Trappist) interpretations of the Rule of St. Benedict changed everything, and I did not ever see it coming, such as a “Come to Jesus” moment as St. Paul did. I placed myself in the presence of Christ. I asked the Holy Spirit to be with me as I sat in silence, solitude, simplicity, and openness to the ontic possibility of the manifest ability of all being and all reality at the moment. This is Cistercian contemplative practice and charisms having an invisible influence on me. Christ does that to us, you know.
• Have I been through the wringer? I am the wringer, the crucible in which my life is ground into the happiness of being with the one I love, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
• It is the sign of contradiction that all the misfortunes and sufferings above only lead me to the happiness which can only be hinted at in this lifetime and thoroughly enjoyed in the next one.
• Only I can make all things new by converting my heart to mirror the beats of Christ’s heart. (Conversio morae)
• Only I can say, “Jesus is Lord, to the glory of the Father.”
• Only I can say, “Jesus, accept the offering of who I am, a battered and bruised follower, one who has strayed from having you as center to making myself God. Each day, offering whatever comes that day in reparation for my sins and those of the Church and whole World as a sign of my need for your saving grace right now.
• For all of those in the Church Universal, especially the sick and those suffering (which includes many with cancer or other terminal diagnoses), the depression and loneliness of those who live out the martyrdom of ordinary living, you are not alone, ever. Look in the place no one thinks to look, the upper room of your inner self, and invite in Christ (and the Holy Spirit) to sit with you in the silence and solitude of God’s energy and bask in the glow that comes from waiting for Christ to say the first word. And then you realize that God the Father speaks in silence; Jesus, Son of God and Son of Mary, speaks love for all as He has loved you; the Holy Spirit speaks in whispers in the depths of your humanity, inviting you to be more. To be more, I must deny myself and work to get rid of my sinfulness toward God and my neighbor. (capacitas dei)
• Retirees can be active in their spiritual evolution and experience the limitless joy of Christ through the Holy Spirit, even if they have debilitating sickness, depression, or trauma in their personal lives.
• All of us (Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, Orthodox, or none of the above) try in our own way to praise the Father through the Son with the energy of the Holy Spirit. What needs to be done is, in humility and obedience to what God tells you, to come apart and rest awhile, sitting in the presence of Christ in that upper room of your inner self and wait, no words or no thoughts. This takes work and inconvenience on the part of each of us. So many times we fail, so few times we succeed. It is that struggle that makes My Catholic Church an essential priority in this life. Christ’s agenda is yours if you listen with the ear of your heart. Look at this photo from Our Lady of the Holy Spirit (Trappist) at the top of this blog and ask yourself, What do I see? What you see depends on your spiritual evolution.
• I am the only one who takes whatever comes that day and turns it into spiritual gold. Both you and I must get our hands dirty and dig for heavenly gold in the silence of our upper room. (Matthew 6:5) So it is every human who ever lived. Christ tells us where to dig; the Holy Spirit is the shovel to help us move mountains.
• Just because you are old doesn’t mean you get to get on the conveyor belt and ride to heaven. You must march alone, each day, with others and take up your cross to follow the way, the truth, and the life. Balsam wood crosses are not permitted.

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