I AM THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD THAT I KNOW.

Before you rush to judgment by thinking that I am some form of spiritual Sado-Masochist, let me assure you I am only referring to myself. The harsh statement that seems to be so self-deprecating is, in fact, the result of asking the Holy Spirit and Christ (my two Advocates), what they saw when they looked at me. Like a mirror, mirror on the wall of Snow White, this mirror showed me who I really am, versus the person I thought I was. It scared the Hell out of me, quite literally.

As you can see in the photo above, my life is trying for the bull’s eye of “Having me in the mind of Christ Jesus,” (Philippians 2:5) but missing it so many times. What scares me is that, until a year ago, I thought I was so smug and locked into heaven, that I could “pecca fortiter,” or “sin bravely,” knowing that whatever I did, God would pour his grace over me and get me to heaven with a free card. I now realize the importance of humility in my approach to being a penitent Lay Cistercian.

Now, I think that I am the worst person in the world that I know (not the worst person in the world) with the mindset that I am in constant, daily need of conversion from my false self to my true self in Christ Jesus. I missed the point of authentic spirituality for so many years and only now realized that, with eyes lowered, not daring to look Jesus in the eye, I can only ask for mercy, always and constantly in prayer.

Being a worn-out, grumpy, old, Lay Cistercian, at 84 years of age, I cannot help others as I once did, but rather now, just content to place myself in Christ’s presence through Lay Cistercian practices, most notably the conscious and continuous repetition of this prayer, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me a sinner.” As reparation for my being so far off the mark (sin), I recite the Spiritual Works of Mercy, especially “Pray for the living and the dead.”

https://www.usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/how-we-teach/new-evangelization/jubilee-of-mercy/the-spiritual-works-of-mercy

I am beginning to know who I am as an adopted son (daughter) of the Father and realize that, if I go to heaven unrepentant, I won’t be able to look those people in the eye, much less God the Father.

As part of my deepening abandonment to Christ’s power and glory, I am realizing the deeper or profound meaning of what St. Benedict says in Chapter 7:10 of the Rule, “Fear of the Lord.” I do nothing now except, with eyes lowered (custos oculi) sit in the presence of Christ (prayer), and wait for my mind to calm down so that I can listen “with the ear of the heart.”

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