THE TIP OF THE SPEAR OF WHERE MY HUMANITY SLICES THROUGH REALITY– Part II

This blog is part of a series about The Mystic Hero, the absolute cutting edge of my humanity, as it confronts and then slices through each NOW moment to carve out what is meaningful to me or is to be sloughed off and relegated to the dustbin of PAST experiences that do not lead me to discover what it means to be human in its most total sense. I am in the process of becoming. What I slice off to save for the FUTURE is who I am moving forward. That changes each day.

THE TIP OF THE SPEAR

In my Lay Cistercian reflections on my life as it whizzes by, the absolute top of the spear, the tippy-top point from which I make my penetrating observations about all that is, is not God, the Catholic Church, or even my acceptance by Lay Cistercians at Our Lady of the Holy Spirit Monastery (Trappist), http://www.trappist.net.

Entering my 80th birthday (now 83.9), I stumbled upon an idea in my Lectio Divina meditations, which I had been practicing on and off since 1963. Perhaps all the residuals from past prayers and good works in the name of Christ all came together to jar me into seeing myself not for what I thought I was but what the Holy Spirit and Jesus thought of me. Being in the presence of Christ, along with my Second Advocate, I just soaked up all that energy without realizing the effects it would have on me.

I mistakenly asked the Holy Spirit of Truth to tell me what he saw when he looked at me. Granted, all this is couched in anthropomorphic language for my benefit, but the picture of myself was like the image in the Mirror of Erisad, from, of all places, a Harry Potter movie. What I saw was not what I had always viewed myself as, which was not real, but what was hostage to my human emotions and inclinations.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFynXvArdWQ&t=5s I saw myself as I really am, and it literally scared the Hell out of me. It was similar but not the same as the St. Paul conversion from Saul of Tarsus to what Pentecostals call a “come to Jesus” moment.

Before, I was a broken-down, old Lay Cistercian in search of becoming more like Christ and less like my false self, as described in the late Dom Andre Louf, O.S.C.O., in a foundational book entitled The Cistercian Way. After my St. Paul conversion, I live with a focus on the now and in becoming a Penetitent Lay Cistercian, in need of constant practices and charisms to keep me aware that I must atone for my sins through reparation for the total sinfulness of my past life. I do not speak of sinfulness as being held hostage by our human predilection for lust and titillation of the senses, but more as just being a complete bore and insensitive to the existence around me. In terms that Martin Buber would describe, almost all of my interactions with being in any form were an “I-It” relationship rather than an “I-Thou.” If you haven’t read the Jewish Existentialist Martin Buber, I encourage you to take the time to introduce yourself to him.

Martin Buber is so critical to helping me discover that I must first discover what it means to be fully human, what it means to love fiercely, and what is absolute truth, absolutely, and only then appreciate how I meet God in my daily, Lay Cistercian NOW moments. Before I lose this opportunity, I would like to offer several quotes from Martin Buber that have enriched and deepened my appreciation of Christ as a Mystic Hero.

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” ~ Martin Buber

“Every person born in this world represents something new, something that never existed before, something original and unique.” ~ Martin Buber

“When people come to you for help, do not turn them off with pious words, saying, ‘Have faith and take your troubles to God.’ Act instead as though there were no God, as though there were only one person in the world who could help — only yourself.” ~ Martin Buber

“I do not accept any absolute formulas for living. No preconceived code can see ahead to everything that can happen in a man’s life. As we live, we grow and our beliefs change. They must change. So I think we should live with this constant discovery. We should be open to this adventure in heightened awareness of living. We should stake our whole existence on our willingness to explore and experience.” ~ Martin Buber

“There are three principles in a man’s being and life, the principle of thought, the principle of speech, and the principle of action. The origin of all conflict between me and my fellow men is that I do not say what I mean and I don’t do what I say.” ~ Martin Buber

“I think no human being can give more than this. Making life possible for the other, if only for a moment.” ~ Martin Buber

“Real Faith means holding ourselves open to the unconditional mystery which we encounter in every sphere of our life and which cannot be comprised in any formula. Real Faith means the ability to endure life in the face of this mystery.” ~ Martin Buber

“Since the primary motive of the evil is disguise, one of the places evil people are most likely to be found is within the church. What better way to conceal one’s evil from oneself, as well as from others, than to be a deacon or some other highly visible form of Christian within our culture? … I do not mean to imply that evil is anything other than a small minority among the religious or that the religious motives of most people are in any way spurious. I mean only that evil people tend to gravitate toward piety for the disguise and concealment it can offer them.” ~ Martin Buber

“Our relationships live in the space between us which is sacred.” ~ Martin Buber

“God dwells wherever man lets Him in.” ~ Martin Buber

“The atheist staring from his attic window is often nearer to God than the believer caught up in his own false image of God.” ~ Martin Buber

In my haste to love God with all my heart, including my 80th birthday, I made God in my image and likeness based on my human tendencies and predilections. When I abandoned all that I thought I was just to be in the presence of the Sacred and be content to wait, I awakened the sleeper and drove out the Ruler of the World from having seduced my humanity. (John Chapter 14) By bringing Martin Buber into my wheelhouse of experiences and allowing myself to become what I read, I have broken the shackles that have held me hostage all these years, and I had no clue. Indeed, the truth does make me accessible, but it is not my fickle truth but rather the overshadowing of the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth.

The tip of my spear is not to hurt or maim others who disagree with me but rather to slice away the dribble from the dross. It is the Principle of Knowing Good from Evil, How to Love others with love from Christ, becoming relaxed at being in the presence of Absolute Truth (the Holy Spirit), and waiting for Christ’s advice. This is not the level of depth of meditation. Still, rather a contemplative one that does not use words but seeks to hear the whispers of God, Father, Son, and Spirit, as I sit with head bowed, eyes lowered in the presence of the Real Presence, and repeating over and over the words of Mary to the Holy Spirit, “Be it done unto me, according to your word.“

A PENITENT AND REPENTANT LAY CISTERCIAN

I have been humbled, not by my total failures as a human being to rise to the upper level of my humanity (actualizing my adoption as the son (daughter) of the Father), but from being afforded an opportunity by the Holy Spirit to look at myself as I truly am, one who has not only seen myself in a mirror of Erisad, but the person of Christ standing next to me. I have been granted the truly undeserved glance at myself as I would appear after death, standing before the throne of the Father, being judged on my sincerity and adequation with The Way, The Truth, and the Life of Jesus.

To say I came up short is a disservice to the English language. It scared the Hell out of me and put me into the penitent Lay Cistercian mode for the rest of whatever life presents to me daily. My prayers take the form of asking mercy for those who have gone before me with the sign of Faith and in the Hope of the Resurrection.

I now not only ask God for mercy, but I know why I must ask for mercy since I have seen who and what I had become to that paradigm-changing day two years ago. I was shocked to my human core at how far off I was from the three innate longings of my heart: a. What does it mean to live at the next level of my humanity? b. How to love fiercely as Christ loved us; and c. What is true absolutely and without the corruption that comes from my humanity wishing to seek its own level and not rise to a higher one, with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Christ, the Anointed One is the ointment of anointing for my bruised and battered former self, one that, like Neosporin, heals the infections that have robbed me of my true self all these years and allowed me to follow my humanity towards its lower inclinations (Galatians 5). Thanks be to God is my mantra, over and over, one of gratitude that one who was so lost in himself is now found, one who knocked on the door all of my life, now has it opened to give me a warning that it is only through, with and in Jesus, that I need to glorify my Father as an adopted son (daughter) and cry out over and over, “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God, my Savior, for He looks on his servant in HIS nothingness.”

I am a penitential Lay Cistercian, given a chance to actually see who was in the sight of God (R.B.: 7.10) and afforded the chance of repenting of my thoughtlessness to all those with whom I had the privilege of bringing into my worldview. It is like going to Confession on steroids.

So, what can I say or do to atone for my missing the mark all these years with good intentions but for the wrong reasons? Nothing. I am absolutely stripped of all defenses, naked to all, exposed for who I am, and so ashamed that I don’t know if I want to go to Heaven and face all my friends and colleagues. Of this, I am afraid, not of dying.

I now know what abandonment means for my purging of the mind, but also how painful it is to my heart that I could have been so thoughtless all these years and blind to the opportunities to love others as Christ has loved me.

Thanks be to God, I can now begin to address those three longings of the human heart, the ones that St. Augustine referred to when he said, “Our Hearts are restless until they rest in Thee.” The seven Penitential Psalms have new meaning for me because I place myself there as though I was writing them.

In a genuine sense, the tip of my spear is the same one that pierced the heart of Christ on the cross, and blood and water came out to cover my hands and arms. Each of us has a tip of the spear that can slice through the layers of debris we pile up in our lives and help us clean out that Augean Stable of our failed chances to love others.

Thanks be to God, we have Jesus as our Savior and the Holy Spirit as one who overshadows us, as He did to the Blessed Mother. We deserve none of this favor but can only begin to appreciate it dimly as though looking through a dirty window, conscious that, on the other side, is something for which our humanity is intended but which may be accessed only by a simple “Let it be so.”

I now just put myself in the presence of the one I love as much as possible without going off the edge. I wait for the Lord, just wait.

Words begin to fail, but God whispers in my ears, “Don’t be afraid! I take care of those who love me.”

The message of the Psalmist is my own:

1^aOf David.

A

I

The LORD is my light and my salvation;

whom should I fear?

The LORD is my life’s refuge;

of whom should I be afraid?

2 When evildoers come at me

to devour my flesh,^*b

These my enemies and foes

themselves stumble and fall.

3 Though an army encamp against me,

my heart does not fear;

Though war be waged against me,

even then do I trust.

II

4 One thing I ask of the LORD;

this I seek:

To dwell in the LORD’s house

all the days of my life,

To gaze on the LORD’s beauty,

to visit his temple.^c

5 For God will hide me in his shelter

in time of trouble,^d

He will conceal me in the cover of his tent;

and set me high upon a rock.

6 Even now my head is held high

above my enemies on every side!

I will offer in his tent

sacrifices with shouts of joy;

I will sing and chant praise to the LORD.

B

I

7 Hear my voice, LORD, when I call;

have mercy on me and answer me.

8 “Come,” says my heart, “seek his face”;^*

your face, LORD, do I seek!^e

9 Do not hide your face from me;

do not repel your servant in anger.

You are my salvation; do not cast me off;

do not forsake me, God my savior!

10 Even if my father and mother forsake me,

the LORD will take me in.^f

II

11 LORD, show me your way;

lead me on a level path

because of my enemies.^g

1 2Do not abandon me to the desire of my foes;

malicious and lying witnesses have risen against me.

13 I believe I shall see the LORD’s goodness

in the land of the living.^*h

14 Wait for the LORD, take courage;

be stouthearted, wait for the LORD!

https://bible.usccb.org/bible/psalms/27

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