TEN WAYS I WON’T BE HELD HOSTAGE TO MY HUMANITY.

Good as humans are, original sin is the condition into which I am born, the imperfection of having to figure out what is right and wrong (knowledge of the tree of good and evil in Genesis 2-3), and the strength to be able to resist the allure of the pull of my animality into devolution. If you think freedom means doing whatever you want to fulfill your humanness by doing what feels good, then you have already succumbed to the false promises of your natural instincts whose template for good or evil is how they feel.

As I weave through the tangled brush of what it means to be human, I encounter the first innate question that my nature seeks a resolution. I may be waylaid by various temptations to deviate from the problematic way I have chosen to seek fulfillment for three questions. a. What does it mean to be human at that next level of my intelligent progression (evolution), b. How can I love fiercely? And, c) What truth admits no change or exceptions? St. Augustine’s statement about humanity, that “our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee,” rings valid for all three of these urges, inexorably bound together with my human DNA to seek resolution.

If I am aware, I can try to fill this longing with what I choose to be its answer. In my lifetime of trying to choose one center that encapsulates that equilibrium between resonance and dissonance of my nature, I have tried several centers that have not endured but found only one that brings resonance to all three questions about what it means to be human. It has been a lifetime of going down rabbit holes that lead to “no exit,” as Jean-Paul Sartre writes about in his work by the same name. The problem with all those rabbit holes is that they all hold the promise of attainment but end up in a void of dead-end darkness, plus the fact that I must now backtrack out of the hole to start all over again.

Here are ten thoughts about what held me hostage until I knew what was happening.

1. Placing the Catholic Church as the center of my life instead of Christ. Nothing wrong with the Church as long as Christ is number one.
2. I am descending into the vicious cycle of giving Christmas gifts to those who gave them to me, but now I must give them back a better gift.
3. I pay the tab at meals even though I know it will cause a public outburst of, “No, you don’t have to do that.”
4. Relegating Jesus to listening to my bantering about the bothersome, petty complaints about others rather than keeping my mouth shut and listening with profound silence and solitude.
5. Treating my relationship with Jesus just as I would my relatives, forgetting that the beginning of humility is “fear of the Lord.” (RB 7:10)
6. Believing that I am the source and final judge of what is right and wrong about my moral choices, which includes everyone else.
7. Believing my own press about myself.
8. Thinking that I don’t have to work at being Catholic or am not accountable for my actions but just get on the conveyor belt and have a good time, then get off at heaven. “Pecca fortiter.” Sin bravely.
9. Denying the cross before me and taking the easy rather than the right path.
10. I think that just because everyone has the right to an opinion, that opinion is right.

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