NAVIGATING THE COMPLEXITIES OF CONVERSIO MORAE.

For a novice, Lay Cistercian, such as myself, moving as I have down the tumultuous labyrinth of what is good or bad for me, the term “Conversio Morae” is at the center of my every conscious moment. Along with the companion habit, “Capacitas Dei,” of growing each day from my false self to my true self as an adopted son (daughter) of the Father, these two signposts are my daily default thoughts.

Conversio Morae is especially important for two reasons, ones that I only discovered at age 80 of my 83.8 years of existence. I am not the Catholic that I was even a year ago. Why? Because I am more aware of my humanity and its potential for service to others than I was a year ago. This “capacitas dei” comes about because I am passionate about converting myself from my former self (good as it is) to a deeper and ever-enriched awareness of how The Christ Principle enlivens this routine and seemingly pointless rehashing of behaviors over and over without moving deeper to have a template with which to measure both visible and invisible reality.

1. Becoming more like Christ and loving others as he did (not as I think I should do)
2. Realizing the cumulative effects of daily converting self to God strips away vainglory and allows me to overthrow years of meaningless Catholicism (good but not my best).

• Conversio Morae is the habit of striving to grow deeper in vertical spirituality (horizontal spirituality is from this point to that time). Lay Cistercian spirituality is a way of being for me that allows me to continuously focus on penetrating into that one place that I fear to go, that upper room of my inner self. In this room, stripped of my vanity and with profound humility (RB 7:10), I abandon my former self of being so centered on myself and reach out to The Christ Principle as the center of all reality.

• Conversion is the basis of what it means to be a penitent Catholic, a Lay Cistercian who only seeks to be present to the one he loves as much as consciously possible without becoming paranoid about it.

• Conversion is not a one-shot wonder and forgetting that experience because you think you are on the conveyor belt to Heaven and guaranteed a reserved seat on Spirit Airlines. You must work your way to Heaven by becoming what you believe.
• Conversion is only the beginning, the realization that you must walk your unique journey as did Christ the Mystic Hero as outlined in the Synoptic Gospels.
• Conversion is tough to do because I must do what is right rather than what is easy.

I SAW WHO I REALLY AM, AND IT SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME

After a lifetime of trying what I thought was being a good Catholic, I came to the realization at the age of 80 that I have had the wrong center in my life but with what I thought was for the right reasons. I said the words, did the expected rituals, and jumped through the correct hoops, and if you had asked me a few years ago, I would have told you that I am reasonably happy with my life.

What changed for me is the cumulative and almost innocuous repetition and habit of placing myself in the presence of Christ in that upper room of my inner self and just waiting, soaking up the energy of God as I would get Vitamin D from sitting in the warmth of the Sun. I was not even aware of what was happening to me. Mind you, all I did was just sit in the presence of Christ in that upper room of my inner self and just wait. Just wait. No agenda. No petitions of this or that favor. Just be present to the one I love with gratitude and humility (fear of the Lord).

One day, out of the clear blue, I looked in the mirror of my life and saw what I actually was in relationship to what I should be as an adopted son (daughter) of the Father. It wasn’t pretty. It is like the character Tom Ellis plays on the television show Lucifer, where he sometimes shows his true hideous face to others. It scared the Hell out of me.

I was stunned at what I saw and immediately said “No” to what I was. That is when I realized what it meant to convert myself to be more like Christ and less like me. I was shocked so much that, ever since making a complete abandonment of all that I held before as being Catholic, I embraced the notion of reparation for my sins of the past and a pledge to focus profoundly on Knowing, Loving, and Serving God with all my heart and mind and strength and to love my neighbor as myself. (Deuteronomy 6:5 and Matthew 22:36)

Being in a body that has long seen its peak performance, at 83.7, I do not rely on my failing body but the refulgence of energy, not my own, to convert my life daily and consciously to what I now know is the true center of my life (Philippians 2:5). Simplicity in prayer is my mantra. At night, I look forward to asking the Blessed Mother to be with me as she was with Christ at the foot of the cross and to pray for all of us at the hour of our death. My body may not be able to save starving children in Somalia (if it ever could). Still, I can consciously and purposefully spend a large amount of time making up for the hurt I may have caused Jesus and those with whom I now feel I wronged and was disrespectful. I pray for the souls in Purgatory, those I know, and those who are in the waiting room of cleansing and purgation awaiting entry into Heaven.

My prayers take the form of saying, over and over and over, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me a sinner.” I am sorry for all my instances of not seeing you in others and ask forgiveness from you and them. I am not a bad person but one who must be in your Real Presence to save me from the Ruler of the World (John 14) who seeks to cloud my mind with a Christ I have made in my image and likeness. I will do this daily, multiple times, just whispering, “Have mercy on me.” to ask God’s energy and forgiveness for this broken-down, old temple of the Holy Spirit, the one with all those bruises and cuts from a lifetime of stumbling down the wrong path, only to be lifted up by simply sitting in the presence of God and saying, over and over, “Be it done unto me, according to your word.”

My friends who help me along the way are Jesus, My Lord and Savior. Mary, Mother of God, overshadowed by the Holy Spirit to be the first disciple and to whom I ask to pray to God that God does not remember my lifetime of blunders and inconsistencies but my intentions, frail as they were, to be faithful. St. Joseph, my friend and person I ask to pray for me and with me as I approach Christ is humility and fear of the Lord. And finally, St. Michael, my namesake and protector, will be my guard and watch my back against that part of me that still seeks to be a recidivist and backslide into my false self.

John 20:30-31 talks about why there is even a written account of some of the sayings and practices Jesus taught his disciples so that they could “come to believe: that Jesus is the Messiah, the Hero of Heroes, and our Master. Are my prayers efficacious? I Hope so.

My humanity cries out to God from the depths (de profundis clamavi ad Te, Domine) of my becoming. And what is my response to all this love from God for humans? “Thank you.”