The Center for contemplative practice
A Lay Cistercian Looks at Spiritual Reality
CRAZY ANSWERS TO EVEN CRAZIER QUESTIONS
What follows are some answers I gave to the website Quora.com. I must not have enough to do in my old age.
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Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian3m
What is the best way for a pope to say goodbye without causing controversy?
Wave.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian4m
When did priests stop being in the confessional during mass?
When they stopped bi-locating.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian4m
The only infallible thing in life is my wife. Don’t give up your day job.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian5m
Is Barack Obama running for Pope?
Yes, if he wants to challenge Donald Trump in 2024.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian7m
What happened to all the bishops (or popes) named “Peter”?
They were crucified upside down.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian7m
What are some of the things prohibited in the Vatican City?
Don’t put your used chewing gum on the bottom of a chair.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian8m
Where is the Blessed Sacrament kept in a church?
In the Ark of the Covenant.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian10m
Why is Barack Obama running for Pope?
Because he doesn’t have to pay taxes.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian10m
Is the Pope running for King of England?
Only if his knees hold out. He only has one lung, you know.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian11m
No. The only thing infallible is my wife, which I don’t have the luxury of challenging.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian12m
Can the Catholic Church be traced back to the apostles?
Yes.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian13m
What does the Catholic Church say about Mary’s “full of grace” status?
Mary’s cup of grace was so full of the Holy Spirit’s energy that not one more drop could she sustain without her cup running over. Mary was, on earth, what humans will be in heaven when they fulfill their evolution as adopted sons and daughters of the Father.…
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How many Anglican cathedrals were stolen from the Catholic Church?
All of them.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian16m
What is the Catholic Church’s stance on using crystal or glass pendulums?
Don’t drop them.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian16m
Will the Catholic Church need to change in order to stay relevant?
I would argue that you must change from your false self to your new self as an adopted son (daughter) in order to stay relevant.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian18m
What is the Catholic Church’s stance on female cardinals?
Be good to them and feed them, when it is cold.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian19m
If God is really all powerful, all knowing, and truly loving, then why does evil exist?
Evil exists because God is really all-powerful, all-knowing, and truly loving. You have a chance to say NO.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian20m
What is the Catholic Church’s political affiliation?
Independent
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian21m
As a Catholic, what do you dislike the most about Catholicism?
That is does not mitigate attacks against it from the misinformed, misquoted, and misaligned recalcitrants.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian22m
Was the Catholic Church in the 11th century?
Yes.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian22m
It was the other way around. The Church was assumed into the monarcy, with all of its unintended consequences.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian25m
What is the Catholic Church’s stance on people who leave the faith?
Good luck. Hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian26m
If you don’t know what you don’t know, they what you know is not what you think you know.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian27m
Is it wrong to hate rich people?
No, if they are Democrats or Republicans.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian29m
What is a man’s place according to the Catholic religion?
To do what his wife tells him,
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian29m
Can you create a shadow that follows you?
Yes, if the SON is strong enough to cast a shadow.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
You should be.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
What is the next election for pope emeritus?
It will be on the Twelfth of Never.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Do Catholics think the Pope is a holy person? Why?
Probably most of them don’t know his name.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
What makes a man’s life complete?
A good book, a glass of Sangria, and a copy of The Divine Equation would do it for me.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Does the pope ever meet with people outside of Vatican City?
Probably when he goes on his daily jog in the Vatican Gardens.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
What isn’t a sin but should be?
Answering inane questions on Quora.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
How many times can the Pope be called “His Holiness” in his lifetime?
As many as there are sands on the seashores.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Why is the pope considered “infallible” if it is undeniable that they fail, like any human?
You need to get out more.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
How do I start a relationship with my boyfriend’s 16-year-old daughter?
If you are in your 80s, I would tread cautiously and check with your cardiologist.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
If you had to convince someone that God exists, what would you say to them?
If you got to prove it, you will lose it.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Can a retired cardinal become a pope?
Only papabili can become pope, a title of honor.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
If God could see into our hearts, what would he think of us as human beings?
Bless your soul.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Who was the first woman appointed as Archbishop by Pope Francis?
Hillary Clinton
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
What should someone know before returning to the Catholic church?
Don’t join if you are not willing to die to your false self and take up your cross daily.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Yes. He bought it with Confederate Dollars.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Where does the Catholic Church’s money go?
That’s easy. Look at the financial statements of each parish.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
What makes God angry with us, and how do we avoid it?
God detests those who say one thing and do another.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Would the Catholic Church lose followers if a black pope was elected?
No.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
No. God does not.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Depends. If you sell all properties of all churches and give everyone a dollar. It would take 98% of that to distribute it plus greed, graft, plundering, and admin costs. Plus, it would take well over two hundred years of people working 7 days a week to identify each person and give them a check.…
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Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Can money or material goods make someone happy?
Yes, but you can’t take it with you.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
What is the meaningfulness of death?
That’s All, Folks!
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
If you don’t know where you are going, any direction will get you there.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian17h
Have you ever seen Tom Holland?
Not recently.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian23h
Do we create our own heaven after we die?
Before we die.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian23h
What would happen if there really is a God?
You should be frightened.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian23h
Why are Christians afraid of death? Shouldn’t they be happy to die to go to heaven?
I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of those who obfuscate reality with trite and trivial tomfoolery.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian23h
How do you know that God exists if no one ever hears or sees him directly?
How do you know John of Forde exists, if you don’t know he exists. Does existence depending on your knowing? Faith does not depend on believing. You need to get out more.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian23h
What is the craziest thing that a god has ever told you?
That I must die to all I hold as reasonable and rational to re-emerge as one who has discovered a new reality, a dimension of evolution that exists within reality but not without knowing the key. I know the Divine Equation, which gives me the key, which unlocks dimensions I have never fathomed.…
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Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian23h
Will you be forgiven for calling Jesus’s work the work of the devil?
Just called ignorant, that’s all.
Worked at Professed Lay Cistercian23h
How do you feel about going to church? Do you want to continue going or would you like to stop?
If Church is like the building. I get cold or hot when I go. If Church is a way of discovering the depths of my humanity (which it is for me), why would you not want to go as much as possible?
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSun
Can a man die by his own hand and be saved by the Creator?
That depends on whether he lets go and you fall.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSun
Is Christopher Hitchens the atheist pope?
Yes, yes, if he believes elephants can fly.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSun
Can dark matter and God both exist?
Only in the shade.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
How can I stop being an atheist? I want to stop not believing in God.
Look at this photo each day for ten days. No exceptions. …
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Can you lose your faith without realizing it?
With no even a whimper.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
How do you prove that God is unreal?
In the same way, you would prove that God is real.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Can anything be forgiven by both God and a human being?
Your question, I hope.
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Don’t give up your day job.
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Do we have free will? If so, what does that mean for our actions/choices?
I am the center of the universe.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What does it mean to be like God, according to the Bible?
Have the free will to make your choices of what is good for you or bad for you.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What is the definition of imagination? Who is the most imaginative person in science?
I like three people. The late Steven Hawking and his foray into the cosmology of the future using his brilliant mind. Enrico Fermi, asks the question, “Where is everybody?” Henri Teilhard de Chardin posited that time contains spheres of evolution from the lithosphere, biosphere, noosphere, and Christos…
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Can you believe in anything whether it exists or not?
Sure, I believe in that the Democratic Party is leading us to a more prosperous life, even though it isn’t.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What indirect evidence would be sufficient for you to believe in the existence of God?
I realize that I know that I know. Why is that? Butterflies don’t have that. They act their nature. My nature is human but there is a wrinkle. For me to fulfill what my nature intends, I must die to my false self to rise with Christ to a new life of meaning, now, and forever. None of this makes sense…
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
How can one lead a fulfilling and balanced life?
Die to everything you thought you knew about what it means to be human and put on the garment of faith, hope, and love from Christ, where you discover you did not give up anything but rather have moved to the next level of human evolution, to be an adopted son or daughter, capable of leading a fulfill…
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
How do we prove for certain that we have God on our side?
ex fructibus congnoscetis
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
How can I develop unwavering and absolute faith in God?
Die and go to heaven.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Why does God have to have a human appearance?
God does not have a human appearance in God’s divine nature. Anthropomorphic representation is a human literary to show that something is similiar to God that we can understand.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What causes a lack of faith in our own decisions?
A lack of faith.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Do people who believe in God always have religious experiences?
If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What should we pray for if our faith in God is strong?
Mercy.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What would happen if we voted to end democracy?
Autocracy.
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Why would God create us to be something other than himself?
Creation begets the essence of its nature. Dogs from dogs, butterflies from butterflies. Humans from God.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Can a human being create anything without the help of God?
Sure, pancakes.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
How do you explain a religious person’s faith in God if there is no proof that God exists?
Your assumption is that there is no proof that God exists (for you). Either it is or is not. If it is provable (but not by mere human measurements), you have no argument. If it is not provable, then why do you hold an assumption that something exists that you don’t believe exists.…
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Can God create a person who is perfect?
Yes, two of them.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
If God exists, does that mean atheists are fake?
No one is fake who uses their reason and free will authentically.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What is the closest thing to experiencing God?
Answering your question.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What is beyond the creation of God?
The nothingness of God.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What are some circumstances when we shouldn’t rely on God?
When I am having brain surgery and need a top-notch surgeon.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
How do you prove consciousness exists in another person?
It depends on whether they are awake or not.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What is the definition of a conversation with God?
Sit in the upper room of your consciousness in silence and solitude, wait, and listen with the “ear of your heart.”…
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
How does the Bible describe God?
God is.
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Why didn’t Jesus preach to non-Jews?
He did. You need to get out more.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What is the three-fold ministry of the Church?
To know, to love, and to serve others as Christ served us.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Did God give us a lot of laws in the Bible?
Only one.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
I only know you can dig your way to Hell using this tool on a sustained basis.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
In the book of job, why didn’t God just destroy Satan?
That would not be a Hollywood ending.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Why is the Pope running for President of the United States?
Because he is a member of the Politics of Absurdity Party.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Is a pope equivalent to Jesus? Why is he called “father”?
Ask your dad that.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Do gods exist outside of fiction in our world?
Probably not outside of the assumptions you hold as to what is real.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Is a deal with the devil even real?
The devil wants you to think it is real.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
How much do you give for a baptism?
I have to die to all that the world holds as meaningful and accept the cross of contradiction as my key to looking at reality. That is what I give each day.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Religion: Why do good people go to hell?
They want to do so, knowing full well who God is.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Why are so many Christians arguing that Jesus was not a Jew?
Name one.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Can someone who was never baptized be saved by God?
Heaven is God’s playground and God can allow anyone God wants to play in the sandbox.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Did Joseph Stalin ever have sex?
It is the same answer as “Did you ever have sex?” Don’t give up your day job.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Am I going to Hell if I don’t receive Holy Communion at least once in a year?
No, but you may be in jeopardy of not going to heaven.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
If the Bible was fake all along, why would it exist?
Now, what would be the odds of that happening?
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Why hasn’t the devil won against God?
Let me let you in on a secret. The Devil thinks he has won.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Yes.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
On a scale of 1-10, how sure are you that there is a God?
1 for my reason; 10 with my faith; I believe, help my unbelief. —St. Thomas Aquinas.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Is it possible to have faith and belief without religion?
Yes, if you can have hydrogen and oxygen without water.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Where do I have to go to receive God’s Holy Spirit?
You must go to the place no human wants to enter, the sanctum of your inner room, where you lock the door from the inside and wait for the Holy Spirit to show up, only to realize that the Holy Spirit has been there, waiting for you from before time was a tick and not a tock. I do this multiple times a…
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Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What does it take for a believer to have the Holy Spirit?
An unlocked door. Matthew 6:8.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Why should anybody like to prove the existence of God?
I don’t.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What do atheists do to get rid of sins?
What sins? No God, no Ten Commandments, no moral compass against which humans can discern the way, the truth, and so life that is the fulfillment of our humanity, the next step in our evolution as a species.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What is the Pope’s authority over Catholics?
A chief rabbi.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Is it worse to be a bad Christian or an atheist?
No doubt, those who say they believe in something (or no God) but are one thing in their minds while another thing in their hearts is the worst, be it Christian or atheist.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
Can a Catholic be a Stalinist?
Yes, if you can become a murderer.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianSat
What is the most dangerous thing to do in Hell?
Learn to sweat.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
What is the difference between limbo and hell?
One is a dance and the other is heartburn.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
What is a church called that isn’t a cathedral?
a church
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Does true love exist before marriage?
Sure. Your mom and dad had it while you were growing up.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Is Pope Francis the first engineer to be selected as Pope?
No. All Popes are pontifex maximus.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
What are some reasons why people might not want to go to Hell?
You have to work in the kitchen washing the dirty dishes of the damned.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Who controls the Catholic Church?
Here is the board of directors. God is CEO. Christ is COO. Holy Spirit is CFO.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Is George Carlin the atheist pope?
Only if he has a sense of humor.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
What is the best way to see Vatican City and St. Peter’s Basilica?
Go there.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
As an atheist, what would you say to a ghost if you met one?
Boo
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Wrong questions tend to have wrong answers. What should you be asking?
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Do atheists have faith in anything?
Sure. Lots of things. Love. Happiness. Fidelity. Family Values. Finding Meaning in life. The nobility of the human spirit. and many more.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Who was the first pope to visit Rome?
Peter. He died there, too.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Is Stephen Hawking the atheist pope?
Sure, if he knows how to look at the one place humans are afraid to look.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Is Steven Weinberg the atheist pope?
Sure, if he goes to confession each week and asks God to have mercy on him.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
What is blind faith? Is it expected by God?
Does Stephenson 2–18 have blind faith?
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Can you get to heaven by faith alone?
Yes. But the problem is the product of Faith is some form of energy.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Who said that you should only believe in what you have to believe in?
No one that I would want to call my friend.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
What is the Catholic Church’s stance on being overweight?
You are full of grace.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
No one. Christ founded the Catholic Church, however.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
Is Ricky Gervais the atheist pope?
Only if he is infallible.
Worked at Professed Lay CistercianFeb 9
What is the most important food for a healthy brain?
Scientific inquiry and logic.
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